Tossed About By the Wind

When I began working with Fr. John, I was an utter mess.  I had not really wanted to leave Dr. Kim and my life in Canmore, and so I had lost my sense of my own self will. My thinking and feeling were out of control, like a computer flitting between website pages randomly without order. I didn’t know who I was. I found it impossible to rest. I was like “…a wave of the sea that is driven and    tossed about by the wind…. (I was) unstable in all my ways.” (James 1:6b, 8b) It made me feel great shame.

Fr. John, in his knowing way, told me I was ‘fragmented’ in my sense of self. He said, “You don’t deal with your emotions very well. In our work together, we strive for a sense of self mastery, not self control.” This calmed me somewhat. I was exhausted most of the time trying to keep my emotions in check. I knew what Fr. John was saying was true. I was not not myself.

Having left Dr. Kim, my Zen rock, I was now in the hands of Fr. John, a Trappist monk and psychoanalyst. It took me a year before I trusted him. But really, I had no choice. There was no going back to Alberta (I was too afraid deep inside of the monster I had unleashed in meditation). And though my sessions with Fr. John were not as exciting as the punching, kicking, and battle of Kung Fu, – they certainly weren’t as mysterious as the way of Zen meditation – I hung on to this new therapeutic relationship, desperation in my heart and soul, looking for even a morsel of stability.

Categories Blog Post, Book Excerpt | Tags: , , , | Posted on July 22, 2019

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